中考英语写作精彩点评与修改
Dear Peter,
(第一段:提出要求。1-2句)
I am writing to ask whether you are able to do favor.
(“让某人帮忙”可以表达成do sb. a favor. 可以改成:I am writing to ask whether you are able to do me a favor.)
(第二段:说明理由。5-7句)
I want to get a good pen friend. I would like you introduce a penfriend to me. (请求的内容要简洁明了,可以合并成一句话:I would like you to introduce a good pen pal to me.) First of all, She must be a girl in her early years. (没有说明原因,为什么找一个和我年龄相仿的笔友。可以改成:First of all, she must be a girl about my own age, who can communicate with me better than anyone else.)My hobby is traveling and playing badminton. For our communication, I hope she likes the things as I like. And I also like small pet. (这三句话表示希望笔友能有和我一样的爱好,但是是写的太零散了,逻辑性不强,最好用复合句来替换多个简单句。可以改成:Furthermore,she is supposed to have the same hobbies as mine, such as traveling, playing badminton, and raising small pets. 在表达时,注意先总后分,先说希望她拥有和我一样的爱好,再说这些爱好具体是什么。千万不要倒置次序。)
(第三段:重申要求。1-2句)
If you can help me finding an English penfiaend. that’s the best. (最好用这个句型:I would appreciate it very much if …, “如果……, 我将感激不尽。”可以改成:I would appreciate it very much if you can help me find an English pen friend.) I can write to her to know her culture and improve my English Maybe in holiday. I can go to her country for a travel. (这句话不应该出现在这里,把它作为我找笔友的第三条要求, 放到第二段的.末尾,就显的更合理一些。“了解”应该表达成:know about。整个句子可以改成:Finally,she is expected to be an English native speaker so that I can write to her to know about her culture and improve my English.)
I’ m looking forwards to your news. (很好!结语寒暄。)
Sincerely
Yours,
点评:
这篇文章总体写的不错!结构,内容没有问题。语言的组织力度不够强,第二段的逻辑层次有点乱。继续加油!作文上需要投入点时间和精力。刘晓伟的主页 | 查看全部日志
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